Pirahna 3D (2010)

Yawn. Buncha fishes feasting on buncha dumb coeds on a party holiday. Whats the big kick? Sharp-teethed fishes feeding into bellies of screaming swimmers? Been there done that with Alien, All Zombie movies. But wait! This time its different! How? These razor-teeth man-eating fishes are PREHISTORIC pirahnas! They were around during the time when the DINOSAURs roamed the earth! Wow! ... Erm. Okay, still not working for me. I'm just curious, why would a Hollywood studio spend money on something so un-exciting as this? I mean honestly. 

The Skinny: Tectonic movements have shifted the seabed unleashing a school of hungry PREHISTORIC pirahnas, and they're all headed for food, in the form of squealing nubile young things in two-piece bikinis and their dumb-as-shoes boyfriends. 

The Helmer: Alexandre Aja - The Esseker File (2009 V), Mirrors (2008), The Hills Have Eyes (2006), High Tension (2003), Furia (1999), Over the Rainbow (1997)

The Casts: Richard Dreyfuss, Ving Rhames, Elizabeth Shue, Christopher Lloyd, Eli Roth, Jerry O Connell

Release Date: 20th August 2010 

The Prediction: I'm wondering why? Why this movie? Whats with using a noted, talented horror helmer to do this campy beast-feast flick when there are tons of good material out there? Is it a vehicle for almost-stale starrers such as the above almost-A listers? The trailer plays it pretty serious, which I'm wondering where they're going with this. Granted, I kinda dig the cast, and I dig Aja more as I was severely impressed with his unapologetic take on The Hills Have Eyes, which rocked monkey boats, and he did do the French horror hit Haute Tension, aka High Tension. So its a bit of question mark this one. But having said that, I'm still game for this movie as I am curious the extent they will go to grab my attention and hold it there for the length of the movie. So yeah, give this one a try. What will be disappointing however, if the studios are just trying to cash in on the 3D hullaballoo and just snatch any 'horror' like themes they can grab just so to make money ... but hang on, thats what everyone is doing isnt it? Man, I'm dumb.

Trailer

Official Site 

Wikipedia Takes a Bite

Something Evil (1972 TV)

And you thought Steven Spielberg did cutesy movies with adorable characters just waiting to be made into toys, action adventure with the world's most athletic archeologists, aliens resembling a pile of doodoo with eyes ... well you thought WRONG! Ole Steve-o also did horror movies. Well at least this one horror movie, which scared the living crap out of me when I was a young critter back in 1976. Granted it was back in the 70s, and that I was a young critter and all ... but it did the near impossible: it gave me nightmares. What caught me in the jewels was the idea of pure evil in the form of the devil. It was creepy as hell, and it made me remember about the creepiest thing I have ever seen until today: a jar of jam screaming. Yep, you read that right. This movie has a jar of jam possessed by the devil until it could scream out "mama ... mama .... mama ..." Hows that for horror? 

The Skinny: A farmhouse is haunted by the devil with poltergeist activities causing havoc to a small, innocent family. Initial distrust of the chain of events soon leads to full fledged acceptance of the nature of the devil. Horror action ensues. 

The Helmer: Steven Spielberg - he did helluva lot of films. Just click on his name and movie oracle imdb.com will reveal all ... 

The Casts: Darren McGavin, Sandy Dennis, Ralph Bellamy

The Verdict: When everyone thought The Exorcist (1973) was hot shit back in the day, this little TV movie was scarier, at least to me. Why? Because you don't see the face of evil, instead you feel its presense throughout the whole thing. But honestly, horror movies of the 70s far exceeds any generation of horror movies to date. What we have now are just feasts for gore hounds and nothing more. It can make you sick to your stomach, yes, but it doesn't crawl under your skin to chill your spine. 70s horror movies did that, and they did it with low budget, excellent score and weird camera angles to disturbing results. 

Trailer

Wiki on Something Evil

The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988) flashback

This is one of those horror movies which still gives me a nostalgic chill whenever I think about it. Was it the hand crawling out from the soup bowl? Was it the spinning hammer and pike hovering menacingly above Bill Pullman's family jewels as he sits strapped down on a metal chair quivering in fear? Was it the hellish descent into a neverending grave with hands grabbing from all sides? Or was it the horror of being buried alive? With a spectacular opening scene where Pullman discovers his true inner animal and walks 3000 miles out from the depths of the Amazon basin, this film carries the audience through a roller-coaster ride of spills and chills in downtown Haiti and introduces one of the most underrated but memorable villain committed to the silver screen.

The Skinny: Anthropologist gets mixed up in some voodoo shit in Haiti as he tries to uncover the secrets behind a zombie making potion. imdb.com has a great synopsis: 

Dennis Allan is an scientist who visits Haiti on the strength of a rumour of a drug which renders the recipient totally paralyzed but conscious. The drug's effects often fool doctors, who declare the victims dead. Could this be the origin of the "zombie" legend? Alan embarks on a surprising and often surreal investigation of the turbulent social chaos that is Haiti during the revolution which ousted hated dictator "Baby Doc" Duvalier. Often a pawn in a greater game, Alan must decide what is science, what is superstition, and what is the unknown in a anarchistic society where police corruption and witch-doctory are commonplace. Written by Murray Chapman

The Helmer: Wes Craven - Scream 4 (2011), My Soul to Take (2010), Paris, je t'aime (2006),  Red Eye (2005), Cursed (2005), Scream 3 (2000), Music of the Heart (1999), Scream 2 (1997), Scream (1996), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), New Nightmare (1994), Nightmare Cafe (1992), The People Under the Stairs (1991), Night Visions (1990 TV), Shocker (1989), The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988), The Twilight Zone (1985 - 1989 TV) .

Deadly Friend (1986), Casebusters (1986), The Hills Have Eyes (1985), Chiller (1985 TV), A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), Invitation to Hell (1984 TV), Swamp Thing (1982), Deadly Blessing (1981), The Evolution of Snuff (1978), Stranger in the House (1978 TV),The Fireworks Woman (1975), Last House on the Left (1972).


The Verdict: Wes Craven is a basically a giant in the wonderful world of horror. He was instrumental in the release of 3 successful horror franchise: The Hills Have Eyes series, the Nightmare on Elm Street series and the Scream series. But even before he went mainstream he did a number which today still has the power to scare, with The Last House on the Left; a detailed study into the crazed minds of evil people. Which is no wonder why this little gem still shines after all these years - it has the Craven touch. The images, the ideas, the concept successfully combined to make a truly effective horror movie: the fear of being buried alive, of being persecuted even through your dreams and the fear of facing your demons for one last final confrontation. Pullman shines as a embattled man staring down true horror in the guise of a mad dictator who refuses to let him go. This is a classic.  

Trailer 
Wikipedia on Serpent and the Rainbow

Super 8 (2011)

Just what is Super 8? Its a cine camera, a model of film making way before digital film making was available. But what is Super 8 really? Its a super-secret JJ Abrams movie which is either on the tail end of production, or its in post-production. Why the all the hush-hush? Its Cloverfield (2008) all over again isn't it? Yep. You got it. All secrets until ... wham!! You get hit by a monster movie, or in this case with Super 8, an alien movie. 

The Skinny: A cargo train delivering an alien species on the way to / or from Area 51 gets derailed, and the alien species on board escapes. Sci-fi mayhem ensues. 

The Helmer: JJ Abrams - Undercovers (2010 TV), Star Trek (2009), Anatomy of Hope (2009 TV), The Office (2007 1 episode TV), Mission Impossible III (2006), Alias (2001 - 2005 TV), Lost (2004 TV), Felicity (1998 TV)

The Casts: Unknown 

Release Date: Somewhere in 2011

The Prediction: You can put your money on this little pony. How can you go wrong with Abrams helming and writing it? AND produced by everyone's favorite uncle STEVEN SPIELBERG. You just can't. I'm currently watching JJ Abrams produced TV series Fringe, which I love to bits. so I'm very partial to this guy. Which means I'm rooting for this one.If you check out the trailer, you can see that Abrams is not going by way of Cloverfield handheld videocam look, i.e. all jerky and realistic. This one looks pretty slick and obviously not handheld. Which should be good. 

Trailer

Official Site 

Jackass: 3D (2010)

Now this requires no introduction, explanation or any form of justification. Its a bunch of guys hurting themselves, engage in toilet humour and laughing till it hurts. Turned sideways, rolled up, tightened and shoved up the patootie of common deceny and sense. And hey, its all good!

The Skinny: buncha guys finds hilarity through pain and defecation. 

The Helmer: Jeff Tremaine - 30 For 30 (2010 TV), Nitro Circus (2009 TV), Jackass 2.5 (2007), Jackass Number Two (2006), Wild Boyz (2003 TV), Jackass: Gumball Rally Special (2005 TV), Jackass: Volume 2 (2004 V), Jackass: The Movie (2002), Boob (1999).

The Casts: (All as Themselves) Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Steve-O, Chris Pontius, Jason Acuna, Ryan Dunn, Preston Lacy, Dave Enland, Ehren McGhehey, John Taylor.

Release Date: 15th October 2010

The Prediction: more pain, more laughs, more poo, more pee but IN 3D!! Nuff said! Woohoo!

Trailer
Official Movie Site
Wikipedia on Jackass 

Machete (2010)

Do you like exploitation movies? Do you relish 70s rough-cut, single-linear plotted, badly acted movies with abundance of gore and flesh? If yes, that technically you'd like Robert Rodriguez's Machete. Its taken directly from the Grindhouse trailer which was featured in the Death Proof / Planet Terror openings.So what can you expect? From the tagline, pretty much of alot of everything - decent man to savage who must slaughter to stay alive? Pretty much sums it up.

 

The Skinny: Bad-ass Mexican Danny Trejo is ex-Federale Machete on revenge mode when he is betrayed by his bosses and the organization. 

The Helmer: Robert Rodrigez and Ethan Maniquis - RR: Shorts (2009), Planet Terror (2007), The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lava Girl (2005), Sin City (2005), Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (2003), Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams (2002), Spy Kids (2001), The Faculty (1998), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), Desperado (1995),Roadracers (1994), El Mariachi (1992), Bedhead (1991).

The Casts: Danny Trejo (Machete), Robert Deniro (Senator McLaughlin), Michelle Rodriguez (Luz), Lindsay Lohan (April Benz), Jessica Alba (Sartana), Tim Roth (Agent Ringo Orange), Steven Seagal (Torrez), Don Johnson (Lt Stillman), Rose McGowan (Cherry Darling), Sacha Baron Cohen (Col Weathers), Jeff Fahey (Michael Benz), Tome Savini (Deputy Tollo), Cheech Marin (Padre Benito Del Toro).

Release Date: 3rd September 2010

The Prediction: How can this go wrong? You've got revolutionary director Rodriguez, you've got stellar casts led by Deniro, you've got hot chicks and naughty chicks Lohan, Alba and McGowan, you've got ass-kicker Seagal, you've got back-from-the-dead Johnson, you've got I-owe-you-my-life-and-career-mr-rodriguez Fahey, and you've got two funny men Marin and Cohen. Mix it up and you've got staple Rodriguez diet of bad-ass cast running about on a simple-crazy plot with supremo action and gore. This is it folks, the movie for 2010. 

Wikipedia on Machete 

Official Site 

Official Trailer

Takers (2010)

I kinda like the premise of this movie. However, I don't kinda like Paul Walker. I still can't take him seriously. He's like Keanu Reeves Lite. But it could just be me. Maybe I'm prejudiced against skinny dudes with pretensions of toughness. Who knows? 

The Skinny: Bank robbers versus a relentless detective hot on their trail. Kick-ass action ensues. 

The Helmer: John Leussenhop - Lockdown (2000).

The Casts: Paul Walker, Idris Elba, Matt Dillon, Zoe Saldana, Hayden Christensen, Jay Hernandez.

Release Date: 27th August 2010

The Prediction: This looks to be a great movie, but it seems to have however, in my books, two weak links: Paul Walker and evil Jedi Hayden Christensen. I still view them as teen-agers mixing about with grown men. Even though I enjoyed the crap out of Jumper (2008), because it has been a fantasy of mine to just 'jump' anywhere on the planet, and I did think that true account of lying journalist Stephen Glass in Shattered Glass (2003) was highly entertaining, I can't take him seriously. Again, he is the Paul Walker of the alternate universe where its okay to pretend to play tough men. Having said that, the premise of this movie is pretty sound, and it does have the excellent London bloke Idris Elba (which is yet to get a true, teeth-sinking meaty role apart from that of Stringer Bell in the sprawling cops and politics HBO original The Wire) and theres Matt Dillon in it (always good which way you look at it), and the current, very edible It Girl Zoe Saldana, who can't seem to do anything wrong. On the whole, the pros outweighs the cons. The trailer strongly suggests a very fast paced, all-action film with a seemingly solid script. 

Official Site

Youtube.com Trailer